So, for me, and bear in mind the blood alcohol level is probably the highest it’s been for several months at the moment…
So for me, the piano has always been a kind of altruistic instrument. A way of expressing ones outward feelings towards others in the sense that feelings towards those in the past can be expressed only within ones own abilities, and feelings towards those in the theoretical future of ones own life are limited by the current abilities of the player.
That is to say, I have noticed that expressing myself when I relate to the past is limited by my playing ability in much the same way that my past relationships were limited by my ability to handle them at the time. Future relationships are again hampered by both my current ability to comprehend them and by the negative aspects of previous relationships.
I guess like anything, we grow with time and the negative as much as the positive grows us as human beings.
Can life be wasted?
I wondered did I waste two years of my life? Or, more efficiently, what value did I gain from spending two years of my life following a routine? Holistically did I gain more than I might scientifically value as worthwhile?
I think overall we discount the part of relationships which grow us emotionally. We look at a time-line of our life and how we might wish a future to play out and we think, I probably wasted some time because if I did it all over again, I would do things differently. I think It’s a factor of how humans process both risk and emotional decisions. In hindsight you would do things differently but in reality, you can’t. You made the choices that you made at the time and you made them in your best interest at the time. That’s that. If you were back in the same position, you’d make the same choices again.
No one takes a decision knowing it’s a bad decision. Forgive yourself.
Forgive yourself.
Relationships sometimes don’t work out. I don’t consider them a waste of time because I think they grow us emotionally and teach us things which can only be learned the hard way. We think we can learn them the easy way but sometimes we have to be hurt to truly understand. It makes us a better person, at our own expense, but then, it makes us a better person for the world. Try to be more selfless – if we can leave this world a better place than we found it, are we not more worthwhile as a human being?
What of the other party? The one who goes through life destroying the lives of others, the one who hasn’t reached the level of enlightenment as ourselves? Is it big-headed? Can I say that because someone doesn’t share my views on relationships or that they don’t have the level of comprehension of destruction they can cause to others they should somehow be forlorn in their progression of life? No. Alas it is a fact that for the majority mistakes will be repeated and the cycle will run again with different actors on the same stage. You shouldn’t feel bad to see the same play run its course. You owe these people nothing despite your enduring love and friendship. You can’t teach the secrets to a lasting relationship, it can only be learned with time.
So you think, “where am I now?” and “am I in a better place now than I was before the relationship?” I think the latter is un-answerable. You can’t know for sure or with any degree of certainty that your position in life now is better or worse for a given event. You can make a guess but guesses are bullshit. Ask me if I ever thought I would be flying a plane at age 25 with my childhood best friend and I’m pretty sure I’d have said no. Ask me if I ever thought I’d have a job which entailed playing a guitar for an hour and generally being happy every day and I’d have laughed. You don’t know. You make decisions and you plan your future based on the information you have available at the time.
For fuck’s sake, forgive yourself.
So what is it to make a decision which affects the rest of your relationships for life? Can I relate? How can I relate to my friends in a way which doesn’t alienate them?
I break down here. I don’t know how to explain it, I have some way to go on a personal level before I can answer. It’s weird for me because I can usually be meta enough to analyse my own problems, relate them to a general context and help others. I think sometimes it’s useful to have an external input when you’re so personally involved. When you are, things become difficult. It’s a shame. You might find if I help you, I’m helping myself. Sometimes I worry that I’m getting more from helping someone than they are. I’ve always been careful not to take advantage, it’s a fine line – isn’t all advice autobiographical?
I think advice is you telling a younger version of yourself what you wish you’d known.
Piano has a barrier to entry to new songs. You want to play something new but you can’t, you play it and your fingers play the same old arrangements automatically. It takes a conscious effort to retrain them. If you work hard you can succeed and then you’ll become a maestro. If you took away the training and started from scratch you might think it would be easier to play that new melody but in fact you’d play nothing at all, just a jumble of notes from untrained hands.
We are a sum of our past experiences and they makes us who we are now. Don’t wish your past away.