All fall down

Why is it so hard to move on?

She has stolen from me, treated me like she doesn’t even know me and left me with a legacy of self hate.  It’s partly her fault that I’m hurt like this.  Is that why I can’t let go?

I want her back.  More than anything, I want to sail through life with her, experiencing everything there is.  I built my life to be free.  I spent three years oppressed, working myself out of a hole.  Now I can be free only now it seems too late.

I miss her smile, I miss the time we had.  I miss the theatre.

Every drink I have reminds me.  Every free moment reminds me.  Every fucking day reminds me.  This house, these walls, my camera.

Haven’t I paid a thousand times over for what we had?  I was so fucking stupid.  Why did I believe her.

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And now for something completely different…

Hello.  It’s been a while.  So lots of things have happened in my life since my last proper post.  It’s barely recognisable to a month ago.  I considered writing this post about my girlfriend leaving me, my long term illness and new prescription drugs, summer, my newly-passed aviation exams, my crippled holiday plans and my many business activities.  No.  That’s boring, painful, sad stuff that doesn’t belong on the Internet for the two of you to read.

I’m going to be a millionaire.

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May 3, 2010

I have to wonder…

Did you ever find the cow? Did you ever look? Moooo. It’s still there.

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May 1, 2010

I’m so tired.

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Friday Five: Sleep

1. How many hours’ sleep do you need in order to be at your best, and what’s the minimum you can get on a regular basis and still be functional?

I and most people need 8 hours.  I rarely get this, often surviving on 6 hours sleep and occasional naps jolting awake suddenly on the train in the morning.  I guess I’m still functional enough, but if I could work off the sleep deficit and get a little more, I would be able to perform better.

2. What’s your favourite sleeping position?

Diagonal and rolled up in the cover.

3. What was the cause of your most recent difficulty sleeping?

Work, life, relationships, all of them worries that keep my brain active.

4. When you can’t seem to drift off to sleep right away, what are some things you do to bring about sleep?

Wait.  My head is never quiet, it’s always doing something – calculating a plan or thinking about how something works or building something.

There are only a few times where it’s quiet and I don’t get to experience them very often.  One way to quieten it is when pleasant physical sensation overpowers the mental background noise like an interrupt; so hugs and massage work.  Pain does not work as this focuses the mind more, so please don’t come and ‘hit me to help me’.

So to get to sleep, I just wait.  Sometimes I lie awake for hours.

5. When did you last doze off at an inappropriate time or in an inappropriate place?

I was at a conference yesterday, it was an exhausting day and I started drifting off in the audience.  I was sat at the front and was quite visible to the presenter.  It was about 5pm.

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December 21, 2009

This is my house…

And I live in it.

The first few days of my holiday have been pretty crazy and as a result I’m starting to get ill for Christmas.  No matter, there’s time off to recover and if I can just relax a bit, maybe I’ll get better.

So last year I wrote “For the new year: 2009 roadmap” and I guess a similar one for 2010 is due soon.  Looking back on things makes me a little sad, and from the crap I’ve had to endure recently, I’m somewhere between wanting to punch something and curl up in a ball.  While there is much to be said for the curl-into-a-ball approach, I don’t have the necessary support (if you want to come hug me and tell me it’s all fine, then I’ll gladly retract) to foster such an apathetic cry for attention.

Alas then, I must consider how to proceed in 2010 and the Christmas break will be an opportunity to do that.

I now realise that the choices you make now affect the rest of your life.  A lesson learned for 2009.  Choose wisely, for good or bad, make the best of what you have.

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November 20, 2009

Friday Five: Book Titles

Quickly, one of these

1. What colour is your parachute?

Fluorescent orange so aircraft and rescuers can see it.

2. Who moved your cheese?

Did you move my cheese?  You put it back!  Did you say please?

3. Where’s Waldo?

Here.

4. Are you my mother?

Nope.

5. What’s happening to your body?

It’s getting older and fatter.  I need to stop being ill so I can go exercise again.

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October 14, 2009

M6DVX First QSOs…

Patience paid off and I got my first and second QSOs tonight, M3YLN and G8ORV, one mobile within a mile and the other in Southend town (3 miles).  Both strong 9′s, pegging the meter.  Good to talk to both and a refreshing occurance after the silence of last night.

It’s all working :)

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October 13, 2009

CQ CQ CQ DE M6DVX

I’ve finally delivered on an old promise of getting my amateur radio foundation licence. Today Ofcom granted me the callsign M6DVX and this evening I’ve been trying to contact some local stations.

Being as geeky as I can get, I had my callsign validated for EchoLink right away and this evening tried Clive’s EchoLink node MB7IAD-L (265297). After installing under Wine (Ubuntu), I tested the link and found I could easily transmit a well readable signal the 20 miles at 1W. Alas, no one answered my call.

Made another call on the 2m repeater GB3DA, complete with ACK, however again, no replies. Booo!

Likewise, calls on 145.500 were un-answered.

A little disappointing, but it’s only day 1 and I did call rather late. There’s always tomorrow!

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September 18, 2009

Friday Five: What’s It Take?

Wow, on time for the Friday Five this week!  I’ll try to keep one word answers.  Morning all :)

1. What does it take to get you to grab the mic and sing in a karaoke room?

Alcohol

2. What does it take to get you to give up a whole Saturday to hang out with people you don’t like?

Love

3. What does it take to get you out of bed without your hitting the snooze button?

Fun

4. What does it take to get you to take someone else’s turn at a really unpleasant task at work or home?

Anger

5. What does it take to get you to eat something you really dislike?

Health

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