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Why is it so hard to move on?

She has stolen from me, treated me like she doesn’t even know me and left me with a legacy of self hate.  It’s partly her fault that I’m hurt like this.  Is that why I can’t let go?

I want her back.  More than anything, I want to sail through life with her, experiencing everything there is.  I built my life to be free.  I spent three years oppressed, working myself out of a hole.  Now I can be free only now it seems too late.

I miss her smile, I miss the time we had.  I miss the theatre.

Every drink I have reminds me.  Every free moment reminds me.  Every fucking day reminds me.  This house, these walls, my camera.

Haven’t I paid a thousand times over for what we had?  I was so fucking stupid.  Why did I believe her.

Hello.  It’s been a while.  So lots of things have happened in my life since my last proper post.  It’s barely recognisable to a month ago.  I considered writing this post about my girlfriend leaving me, my long term illness and new prescription drugs, summer, my newly-passed aviation exams, my crippled holiday plans and my many business activities.  No.  That’s boring, painful, sad stuff that doesn’t belong on the Internet for the two of you to read.

I’m going to be a millionaire.

1. How many hours’ sleep do you need in order to be at your best, and what’s the minimum you can get on a regular basis and still be functional?

I and most people need 8 hours.  I rarely get this, often surviving on 6 hours sleep and occasional naps jolting awake suddenly on the train in the morning.  I guess I’m still functional enough, but if I could work off the sleep deficit and get a little more, I would be able to perform better.

2. What’s your favourite sleeping position?

Diagonal and rolled up in the cover.

3. What was the cause of your most recent difficulty sleeping?

Work, life, relationships, all of them worries that keep my brain active.

4. When you can’t seem to drift off to sleep right away, what are some things you do to bring about sleep?

Wait.  My head is never quiet, it’s always doing something – calculating a plan or thinking about how something works or building something.

There are only a few times where it’s quiet and I don’t get to experience them very often.  One way to quieten it is when pleasant physical sensation overpowers the mental background noise like an interrupt; so hugs and massage work.  Pain does not work as this focuses the mind more, so please don’t come and ‘hit me to help me’.

So to get to sleep, I just wait.  Sometimes I lie awake for hours.

5. When did you last doze off at an inappropriate time or in an inappropriate place?

I was at a conference yesterday, it was an exhausting day and I started drifting off in the audience.  I was sat at the front and was quite visible to the presenter.  It was about 5pm.

And I live in it.

The first few days of my holiday have been pretty crazy and as a result I’m starting to get ill for Christmas.  No matter, there’s time off to recover and if I can just relax a bit, maybe I’ll get better.

So last year I wrote “For the new year: 2009 roadmap” and I guess a similar one for 2010 is due soon.  Looking back on things makes me a little sad, and from the crap I’ve had to endure recently, I’m somewhere between wanting to punch something and curl up in a ball.  While there is much to be said for the curl-into-a-ball approach, I don’t have the necessary support (if you want to come hug me and tell me it’s all fine, then I’ll gladly retract) to foster such an apathetic cry for attention.

Alas then, I must consider how to proceed in 2010 and the Christmas break will be an opportunity to do that.

I now realise that the choices you make now affect the rest of your life.  A lesson learned for 2009.  Choose wisely, for good or bad, make the best of what you have.

Quickly, one of these…

1. What colour is your parachute?

Fluorescent orange so aircraft and rescuers can see it.

2. Who moved your cheese?

Did you move my cheese?  You put it back!  Did you say please?

3. Where’s Waldo?

Here.

4. Are you my mother?

Nope.

5. What’s happening to your body?

It’s getting older and fatter.  I need to stop being ill so I can go exercise again.

Wow, on time for the Friday Five this week!  I’ll try to keep one word answers.  Morning all :)

1. What does it take to get you to grab the mic and sing in a karaoke room?

Alcohol

2. What does it take to get you to give up a whole Saturday to hang out with people you don’t like?

Love

3. What does it take to get you out of bed without your hitting the snooze button?

Fun

4. What does it take to get you to take someone else’s turn at a really unpleasant task at work or home?

Anger

5. What does it take to get you to eat something you really dislike?

Health

Hmm, been quite some time since I did one of these…  And nearly a week late too.  Did I say busy?

1. When did you last drink something out of a glass bottle?

Spa weekend where I had mini glass bottles of Coke.

2. Whose energy would you like to bottle for those future listless days?

Probably Josie or Liz when they’re excited.

3. How many plastic bottles are there in your shower, and what’s in them?

In my flat I had one or two for shampoo and shower gel.  At home there are loads, mainly gifts from Christmas :p

4. Who in your life could be described as lightning in a bottle?

I wouldn’t say, at risk of them exploding :p

5. You’re playing Spin-the-Bottle with your sixth-grade classmates. When it’s your turn, to whom do you want the bottle pointing?

Given that 6th Grade is Year 7 in the UK, no one.  I went to an all boys school.

Following on from my post near the start of the year (For the new year: 2009 roadmap), here’s my six month review.

Become more financially stable

I set out two main financial decisions to make in 2009:  Clear student loan and dent mortgage.  I did look into both these decisions and have done neither.  Have I done nothing?  Absolutely not.  Analysis has helped me make other financial decisions which benefit my stability as a whole.

It’s going to be a hard year.  Work aren’t paying any bonuses this year and the economy is set to slump even further.  It’s a long road for the UK to get anywhere near stable and the housing market, which is of very personal interest to me, is besides one or two blips which the media never cease to take joy in reporting, not getting any better.  The warmer weather is lifting spirits for now, heaven help us in the darker months to come.

Progress satisfactory, continue working hard.  Evaluate:  Live for now vs. save for tomorrow?

Improve skill set

I had two goals here:  Learn to fly and continue piano lessons and I’m happy to report some progress.  Back in December I wrote  that I wanted “to make 2009 the Year of the PPL“.  That’s what I’ve done.  I made my first flight for the PPL on the 24th January and since then have flown 15.5 hours.  I’m told progress is going well, and I’m still alive so I must be doing something right :)

And piano?  I said I needed to restructure to give me more time to practice.  I think I was too unrealistic here.  I’m still very busy and continue to find it difficult to fit in my practice.  Progress has been ok, but a little slow for my liking.  I know I can do better but I have no idea how to allow it to happen.  Nevertheless I took my Grade 1 practical exam last Thursday and eagerly await the results.  My teacher informs me I am allowed two weeks rest only.  Then it’s on to Grade 2 :p

Progress good, start work on PPL theory for exams, keep pushing the piano for now.

Improve health

Head bows in shame here.  Health is always the first thing to go when you’re put under pressure.  I said I’d do two things here:  Get fit and No junk food.  Who was I kidding?  I type amongst Coke cans and beside about 20 bags of crisps.  Uneaten, but it’s only a matter of time.

Seriously, I’m killing myself.  Eating rubbish, not exercising, getting up at 6am and not going to sleep until midnight will lead me to an early grave.  I feel fatter, I feel sicker, tired, I get colds.

Something needs to happen here.  I’ve done two things this evening (partly they reminded me to write this review) to get fitter.  I bought a unicycle as a new skill to learn that I can try to master over the summer months.  It should provide at least minimal exercise.  I’ve also enlisted some help to get to the gym.  I’ve never been to a gym.  Swimming pool yes, but never to a proper gym to use the equipment.  If it comes off, I’ll make every effort to go and get fit.

It’s still not enough.  I need to start taking care of myself.  Above everything else I’ve written about here, it all means nothing if I’m sick.  I’ve had long running health problems that are finally being addressed and will see me visiting the ‘top dogs’ at Royal London Hospital in two months.  Going into hospital last week is what has really hit home.

Progress fair, must improve as a matter of, well, life and death.

Improve work environment

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting…
[If... Rudyard Kipling]

I thought I could improve the company and improve myself.  I’ve done one at the expense of another and it hasn’t been in my favour.  Persistence has won out so far this year and I’ve introduced some things to the company which I’ve fought long and hard for.  Everyone seems to be enjoying the benefits except me.

From an idealistic standpoint, it’s good to watch everyone using techniques and tools which you’ve worked so hard to introduce and build, but at the same time crippling not to be able to use them yourself.  Like the inventor of the motorcar, forbidden to drive.

For the rest of this year I need desperately to improve my professional skill set.  It’s starting to turn this way and I only hope it continues and isn’t too late.

Progress fair.  Work hard.  Remember to expect something in return.

I’m learning something important this year.  Take chances while you have them.  “Have happiness while it’s here”.

Back into the swing of things after a very hectic few weeks.  Friday Five time :)

1. What kind of out-of-school lessons did you take as a kid?

Hmm, I guess I took violin for a while at school, though was never very good at it.

2. What valuable lesson did you learn this past week?

Things don’t always turn out as bed as they seem.  Sometimes good things happen.

3. Who in your life really needs to be taught a lesson?

Don’t we all have something more to learn?

4. What kinds of lessons would you love to have a private teacher for right now?

Hmm, tricky…  Cantonese maybe?

5. What steps have you taken to lessen the impact of these rough economic times?

Paying attention to economics and my finances for a very long time.

Now, 30 minutes left of work then I’m off home to pack a suitcase for Prague tomorrow!  I’m going with someone special :)

Kirby Ferguson explains…